We sometimes have arguments.
Reasons were sometimes clear, other times not. Sometimes it was because of disagreements, sometimes external influences, sometimes saying one thing but understanding another… Most of those arguments were due to immediate reasons, thus solutions came fast.
What about unclear reasons?
Specifically, not long ago, Daniel and I had some small arguments, but really we didn’t know why; it’s just that the air in the house was more and more tensed up. Not too tensed to quarrel, but still uncomfortable. We still laughed with each other, as per “normal”, the days still went by. But it’s exactly that “normality” that made the atmosphere abnormal.
The signs of abnormality: we spent less time with each other, I started to develop a habit of trying to squeeze time to cook something for dinner before Daniel came home from work, so that we could have dinner early. But that also made me feel uneasy and emotionally stuck because I didn’t like to cook by myself, and Daniel felt guilty for letting me cook alone, causing the time we spent doing something together to be cut away. The act of cooking became a burden. We also stopped doing this and that together, talked less, slept more, shared less, touched each other less...
We decided, when I felt the craving for sushi, that both of us would eat out, and talked it out.
Be clear to each other
The way we used to solve this problem was to be very clear to each other (this was also one of our principles and agreements we made since long long ago, when we first dated). Both of us drew a table, one side the things we did well, another things we did not so well. We spent the whole evening to talk about what happened, our emotions, the emotions we created in the other person, things we didn’t say.
And we realized that we started to lose connection about 1 month ago, right after Tet holiday because so many things happened, our lives were turned upside down with work, and visiting schedule, and busyness. The beginning of a new “life” with new thoughts, new experiences of the new family life caused both of us to mess up our own thoughts, be affected by the external factors, plus the internal turmoil; we became withdrawn, talked less; our conversations also became shallow, just evolving around daily routines; we became more sensitive; our health was affected too (especially we got sick more easily), and work stuff, calendar, commitment to work schedule… All of these were put on the table to discuss.
The result: all of our emotions, pressures were released; we came up with agreements for new things to come and new directions to look forward together. The biggest lesson for me was to realize we were having arguments, and put my head and heart into solving them. Don’t wait for the other to talk first, while holding the grudges inside. And we must write the solutions and approaches out, and work on them together. Everything must be specific, and clear!
I wish you peace, and if you have arguments, let’s focus on the solving them.